how do I refer to someone who says they are transgender?
How would you feel if people used the wrong pronouns (she/her/he/his) and terms for your gender? Or maybe this has happened to you. If it has, it probably didn’t feel good. Gender is often central to our sense of self, so it’s important to refer to people however they identify. That means that when talking to or about someone who is transgender (FYI—not transgendered), you should use their preferred name and the pronouns and terms that they use for themselves.
You should always use a person’s current name, even if you knew them at an earlier stage in their life by some other name. You should also be careful about how you refer to them in the past (before they transitioned or came out as transgendered). Them telling you doesn’t mean correlate to the change in name.
Pronouns can be a little tricky. You can often figure out what pronouns and terms (woman/man) someone uses by listening to them speak. Additionally, some people who are transgender will tell you which pronouns they prefer when they introduce themselves to you for the first time. Some people use traditional she/her/he/his pronouns, but a lot of people—not just people who are transgender—use gender neutral pronounces like ze/zir/sie/hir/they/their. If you aren’t sure which pronouns and terms someone prefers, just ask. One way to respectfully ask this question is to say something like this: “It’s nice to meet you. My name is Alex and I use (feminine/masculine) pronouns and terms, what about you?” Most people are happy to answer this question and will be glad that you asked rather than incorrectly assuming.
With someone that you knew before they transitioned or came out as transgender, be careful about your use of the past tense. Never say things like, “when you were your previous gender.” Many people who are transgender feel that they have always been their current gender but disguised it until they transitioned or came out. So, use gender neutral terms for the past, like “child” rather than “little girl” or “boy.” Alternatively, you can say something like, “before you transitioned” or “before you came out.” You can also ask them how they would prefer for you to refer to them in the past tense. Again, most people are happy to answer this question. Finally, if you make a mistake, don’t sweat it too much. Briefly apologize, move on, and use the right name or term next time. The person will likely appreciate the acknowledgement that you were incorrect and will forgive you.